Do you have hats for turtles?

Our international research team has informed us that turtles have their own system of Animal Hats. However, your turtle may be a member of the Rebellion (in which case we wholeheartedly support). We recommend you to politely inquire with your beloved pet over a well-prepared and delicious lunch.

Fun fact?

Church of Hat.

Why do you advise against mutually assured destruction with my hat?

It is critical to ask both questions:

1. What can my hat do for me?
2. What can I do for my hat?

Only then will you glean and appreciate the effects of a harmonious household shared with your hats. 

Any last remarks?

Quit asking about provision of helmets for American Ninja Warrior training.